Guardian Angels

One of the hardest things I had to experience while pregnant with Emersyn was loosing my Grandma. I understand that loosing someone you love is really just feeling I can’t even describe or put into words. My grandma was one of the strongest most stubborn people I know. She didn’t beat around the bush with anything she thought. It use to kill me sometimes how honest she was. But I can say without a doubt that she is the absolute best person to be a guardian angel for my baby. Now she clearly wouldn’t be my first choice but I know now that God needed her more than we did here.

The hardest thing about loosing her was the lack of time I had to prepare myself for all the things I would miss about her and all the things she would miss. I know that when loosing someone you feel that there is never enough time left but sadly within a month or so we realized that grandma wasn’t actually going to get better but that she was quickly declining. In my mind if she could just hang on a few more months Emersyn would be here. I selfishly could only think about her not being able to meet my baby that would be her first great grandchild. Or the fact that she would never hold her, or see her smile, or hear her sweet little laugh. But what I didn’t realize was the fact that she would be able to watch over her, see her through our scary delivery and give her a sweet birthmark on the back of her head. Like she kissed her on the way out. I am slowly learning to grieve the other life events that I am missing her touch or voice.

I was unable to go to her funeral due to being too pregnant to travel. But about a little less than a month ago I was able to take Emersyn to the cemetery to meet her Angel. Not how I pictured the first time they would meet but it felt like Emersyn already knew her so well.


Emersyn’s Weight


So I just wanted to give some updates about Emersyn since her birth story. I know I talked all about her struggle to gain weight during me pregnancy and she came out just a little peanut. After she was born she struggled to latch after the first day. We went through a time in the hospital were she was screaming, turning red and refusing to latch. We decided to bottle feed until my milk came in. Of course it came in the morning after we went home. We had an lactation appointment the next day. So I just decided to pump and continue to feed her bottles.

Since that day we have always bottle fed. I exclusively pump to provide her with breast milk. Now some of you might already know from previous posts that I struggle to not judge or push my self to a certain amount of ounces a day. I bring up the part about her being bottle fed breast milk because of her size.

It took Emersyn almost a month to get back to her birth weight. Since leaving the hospital Emmy has been in the 1st percentile for weight. At her 2 month check up she weighed 8 pounds 1 oz and at her 3 month she weighed 9 pounds 14 oz. Her weight at her 4 month check up she was 10 pounds 9 oz. We will be going to her 6 month visit in less than a week.

As a mom who was constantly having to monitor her weight during pregnancy and now after I am struggling. There are days where I feel so proud of this little tiny baby who is growing and thriving. But there are also days where I feel so helpless about her size. Her pediatrician is supportive of everything we are doing and happy with her progress. With that being said it is extremely hard to constantly hear that she is in the 1st percentile for weight. One of the first things people say when seeing her is how small she is for her age.

So I know your saying Ally! Get to the point. The point is Mamas if your baby is happy, growing and thriving. Throw that damn percentile crap out the window. Don’t let anyone judge what you feel is best for your baby. Could I switch her to formula? Sure! Would it be easier than pumping all the time? Yes. But what I want for my baby is just as important as what the doctor says. Plus let’s be honest here. Who cares what the size of an average baby is anyways. Now saying all that don’t worry I am still human and will need to check myself after her 6 month visit. But for now all that matters is my mommy guilt is getting check at the door for another time. In case you didn’t know our sweet little Emmy is funny, feisty and BIG in personality.



Ally here!

Hey guys. I know it has been a while since Callie or I have posted anything. So I just wanted to reach out and say life has been hectic for both of us. We apologize that we haven’t be as active as we originally sought out to be. I know I have been trying to navigate life as a stay at home mom, wife, and a step mom to an active teenager. Let me tell you it isn’t easy! There are days where I am rocking it and other days that I am counting down the minutes until bedtime.

So I am here to tell you to expect some posts here in the very near future. I will do my best to update you on what has been going on in my life the past couple months and tell you more about my journey with sweet little Emersyn!

Bye for now!


First Time Mom During COVID Times

Its been a year. A year since covid started. A year of living life in a completely different manner than ever expected. A year of being a first time mom when you want all the help in the world in the beginning but can’t.

Chase was born the week before shut down. It was such an amazing happy time for our family. My parents and in laws were able to come meet him at the hospital and they came back to our house and visited the first couple days then that was it. All of our family lives out of town, so when shut down and the travel ban happened, no one could come visit. No one was able to come see this beautiful new precious life that we were so happy to share with everyone. It was hard. Very hard on Chad and I. No breaks but that’s okay. We learned our routine and I look back and dang I am so proud of us since we did the first 2.5 months with no help. PAT ON THE BACK!!!

One thing that I didn’t expect was the post partum loneliness. Since we were so isolated and couldn’t leave the house I was all alone all the time with Chase until Chad got home. With the crashing of my hormones, man I felt so lost and isolated. I cried a lot because I felt so lonely. I was very sad but then also excited to be with Chase. It was an emotional roller coaster. Yes we facetimed with people, but it was not the same as human interaction. We did not go anywhere. We were also so afraid to go anywhere because of the fear of bringing home germs to our fresh newborn with no immune system. It was so scary.

I’ll never forget the day too I told Chad I had the thought while driving today of just driving off the road and being done. I didn’t feel I was enough, I was overwhelmed, sad, lost, lonely, and a mess of hormones. It was a huge wake up for us. We spent a lot of time in the evenings talking about how I felt and what I could do to snap out of this funk I was in. We were both worried. I told him If I couldn’t use exercise, personal time for myself (even 20 min a day) or just being open and talkative to him, I was going to call my doctor. It was a scary time. I have always thought to be a mentally strong person but being a new mom and isolated due to covid really tested my mental strength.

I did give myself some me time each day. I worked out, and Chad and I had a lot of deep conversations. Lots of tears of sadness and joy. Honestly it brought us closer in our marriage. I am so proud of us and it made me really realize how much I depend on my husband. He has my back through thick and thin. I don’t know where I would be without him.

The effects of covid are changing the mental health of so many different people. I have heard of other people going through the same thing. I guess I never realized how much we as a human race rely on human interaction and contact to keep us mentally well.

If you are feeling depressed, lonely, isolated, or have self harm feelings, please talk to someone or call your healthcare provider.

Remember we all matter to someone